on the fifth of October after spending about 4 years controlling myself in church, the lord didn't wait for me. i started crying for about 30 mins or so. every body was worshiping and there i was crying. i could not understand it. why would every body be worshiping and i am just crying. inside me, i am wondering am i hurt about something? am i scared about something? am i suppressing something?
...and i think to myself, why is God embarrassing me like this? doesn't he know that people will start wondering that o her life is so darn hard. let it how honey! let God know how u feel? that's what they would say in a black American church but in a church like mine, it would just set tongues wagging cos they would not understand. i didn't understand myself until God stayed with me and wouldn't leave.
i have visions too. but about people and stuff and its never complete and i can never tell any of the church folk cos they will just think that i am a witch. so sometimes i have visions of the way people really feel even when they pretend around me but i don't know if God can trust me with his gift cos i don't always know how to react i am to straight to the point.
so i decided to grow constantly this week why? cos i am a seed of Abraham and Abraham staggered not at the deadness of sarah's womb, he believed God and it was credited unto him as righteousness. well, as for me, i know that by his stripes, we have been made whole and that he was the one who bore our infirmities and that he was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was laid upon him and by his stripes we were made whole. so i see myself as whole, the healed one of God who has the zoe life. the God-kind of life.
I hope i can continue this walk cos i love the lord, jesus to be precise and apparently he loves me right back cos anytime i get distracted he has a way of just drawing my attention right back to him so it is obvious i am fightin my battles but Christ is always with me.
i love you jesus. i am so in-love with you it hurts my chest. it feels me with peace i cannot understand.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
i am saved alleluia!
so i got saved march 2001.
i got saved after a really traumatic incident. funny thing is i had already decided to get saved but the incident almost made me change my mind and then my academics crashed. then my finances crashed. then my family crashed and all i could depend on was God.
like i said i was already going to give my life to Christ and so i postponed for another four months and then finally i gave in and gave my life. though i had given my heart, my heart was still like stone and i could not understand why i had to love God or trust after all the rubbish i had been through.
One day i went for a meeting and a man from America, they were a team of missionaries gave a word and i just couldn't resist. the holy ghost lifted me physically and took me out, that was how i officially received the infilling of the holy ghost. from then onwards i would be worshiping in church and my eyes would fill with tears and be gushing like it had buckets of water supporting the water flow. well, i was like "why is Holy Ghost doing me like this now?" my entire thought was that people would be wondering why is she crying now? i read up on everything i could find and i still could not find out the reason for the tears.
i wondered maybe i can't control my emotions in the presence of God but with other people i am walled up. well, after it had happened steadily for like 5 months, i gave up hope that God would leave me alone to just lick my wounds Privately. I thank God He never left. What would i have done? He cared too damn much to let me go on like the devil could defeat me.
that was how i got introduced to the presence of the Holy Ghost.
i got saved after a really traumatic incident. funny thing is i had already decided to get saved but the incident almost made me change my mind and then my academics crashed. then my finances crashed. then my family crashed and all i could depend on was God.
like i said i was already going to give my life to Christ and so i postponed for another four months and then finally i gave in and gave my life. though i had given my heart, my heart was still like stone and i could not understand why i had to love God or trust after all the rubbish i had been through.
One day i went for a meeting and a man from America, they were a team of missionaries gave a word and i just couldn't resist. the holy ghost lifted me physically and took me out, that was how i officially received the infilling of the holy ghost. from then onwards i would be worshiping in church and my eyes would fill with tears and be gushing like it had buckets of water supporting the water flow. well, i was like "why is Holy Ghost doing me like this now?" my entire thought was that people would be wondering why is she crying now? i read up on everything i could find and i still could not find out the reason for the tears.
i wondered maybe i can't control my emotions in the presence of God but with other people i am walled up. well, after it had happened steadily for like 5 months, i gave up hope that God would leave me alone to just lick my wounds Privately. I thank God He never left. What would i have done? He cared too damn much to let me go on like the devil could defeat me.
that was how i got introduced to the presence of the Holy Ghost.
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